Perhaps one of the most difficult feelings a person can face is the loss of a loved one. When we experience the pain of loss, we realize how harsh and intense it is for us adults. We strive to protect our children from it and keep them away from it as much as possible. We strive with all our strength to beautify the truth and adjust its course so that they see it in a way that spares them pain, fear, or anger.
But we may fall into what we fear… When we try to isolate the child and prevent him from participating, and also when we are concerned with occupying him and distracting him from the shock, we do not realize that he is shaking inside and experiencing feelings as intense as an earthquake. When we do not let him talk about them and express what he is thinking and ask all the questions that come to his mind, we make him suppress those feelings and this suppression may divert their course to produce greater nervous and psychological problems. Also, when we tell the child that his father or grandfather or the beloved he lost has gone to God… and is now in a more beautiful place in heaven watching us… we evade the truth and use euphemisms for it… and in doing so we make him wish for death for himself… or hate God Almighty for taking this beloved?
So, how should we talk to the child, what should we tell him, and how can we get out of these painful feelings?
A child's handling of grief varies depending on their age. A child between two and four years old does not understand the true meaning of death or loss. What they perceive is that something has happened that has changed their familiar world, but they do not fully understand what it is. They also find it difficult to understand the continuity of the event and that death means an eternal absence. The pressure of this situation may be reflected in several forms, including a certain behavioral regression such as involuntary urination, sleep disturbances, thumb sucking, breaking and destroying things, screaming and unjustified anger, withdrawal from play, or loss of appetite. These are all symptoms that may appear in a child at this age. They may also refuse to sleep alone at night, or go to nursery or school.
Between the ages of three and six, children become self-centered, with their personal thoughts predominating. They feel responsible for any change that happens around them. They believe they are the cause or have something to do with it. For them, loss is a threat for which they await punishment or inflict it on themselves. This is also the age of questioning and searching for facts. In the event of loss, the child will ask many questions to satisfy his need for knowledge and understand what is going on around him... How did he die? Why did it happen? Where is he now?
In situations of grief, feelings are mixed, and the most prominent feeling is the fear of the child being alone, or leaving the place he is familiar with or those he loves. The child is always eager to know the answers, so he searches for them everywhere, and often the results of his search are not accurate. He needs words that explain the situation to him and tell him the truth. At the age of eight years and above, children are more aware and cognizant of the reality of death. They consider it an eternal event from which there is no return, so their impact and sadness are deeper. However, what bothers them most is their exclusion from participating in mourning ceremonies, as well as their prevention from knowing what happens to their loved one who died and to every human being after death.
The suffering of loss that a child goes through is very great in his eyes, and its profound impact may extend for many months. Indeed, this suffering may leave its mark on the child's personality in the future. The containment and understanding he receives in the first days determines what will happen later. Each child has his own unique way of expressing his feelings and emotions during the period of grief, as its manifestations vary between physical, psychological, behavioral and emotional. Therefore, we must be intelligent and attentive to observe and understand how and in what way the child expresses his grief. It is possible that he shows signs of behavioral decline, as I mentioned previously, or the child may exaggerate in requesting protection and safety, or try to express longing and pain through drawing, acting or prolonged silence. All of these manifestations indicate that the child needs someone to help and support him to overcome this stage. Here, we intervene and provide assistance at the appropriate time.
Here are some important steps recommended for dealing with loss:
Firstly : Telling your child: When telling your child about a death, choose a time and place where they can express themselves, without too much interference or intervention. Then choose the person to tell. Make sure they are close to the child, friendly with you, and accustomed to hugging them. They should not feel afraid or ashamed of them, and they can understand the words the child usually uses. Then, be careful and choose your words carefully, because every word you say may have consequences. Therefore, you should prepare the child and talk to him in the usual way between you. Start by asking him about the news he has received so far, to make sure he hasn't heard anything from anyone. Tell him that you have something sad to tell him. Say clearly, "So-and-so died or passed away." Then, be silent for a while to give the child a chance to absorb what you have said. Be honest and describe the events as they happened, using simple, easy language, without euphemisms or ambiguities, such as saying, " He went to God, he departed to his Lord, he is now in heaven, he is in heaven... " Research shows that using realistic words to describe death helps understand the true meaning of loss and prepares the grieving process.
Provide the information you know and do not go into unnecessary details to protect your child from hallucinations and fantasies that may lead him to imagine painful scenes. Give your child a chance to express his sadness. He will certainly ask questions to know how, when and why? But you must measure what you tell him according to what you think he is able to deal with in the current situation. Accordingly, you can determine the amount of information and divide it into parts to give him a small truth each time you sit together. The child’s questions will guide you on what you should say. Do not be afraid to say, “I do not know the answer now.” It is useful to tell your child that you may not know a certain thing at the moment, but you will search for the answer and respond to him later. At the beginning of the shock, focus on venting the emotion and expressing feelings of sadness. Say, “Your tears tell me that you are sad and that there is pain in your heart that I feel for you.” “I am sad like you. I loved so-and-so like you.” Hug the child, kiss him, and pat him so that he feels your tenderness and give him security so that he understands that you accept and appreciate his pain. This way, you help him overcome the crisis of loss with the least harm.
Present the facts to the child little by little. Be careful not to say “he went to sleep or he is now sleeping a long sleep…” There are cases recorded of children who have become afraid of sleeping and believe that when they sleep they might not wake up or that they will die, and this is an outcome we do not want of course. Another point you must adhere to is not linking death to illness or disability so that the child does not fear illness, as we said. Explain simply what happened and show that death is the end of this worldly life and the beginning of the afterlife .
secondly : To understand death: Help the child understand the meaning of death in a simple, tangible way that he can comprehend. You can remind him of the flowers he sees dead in the garden, or the birds or animals he may have passed by and seen. Tell him that every living thing in this world has a specific age and a time when it dies. It may help to tell the child that death is not annihilation , but a transition from one world to another, and a presence in a place that we cannot see or feel with our senses, and that we cannot be in while we are alive. However, we will meet those we love when the time comes for that. Another important thing is that death and its pain should never be associated with God Almighty or Heaven by saying, “May God take him or he went to Heaven.” The child may hate God and Heaven due to his ignorance and limited understanding at a young age, because they are the reason that deprived him of his beloved. Be careful and present the concepts in a way that does not confuse him, as it is difficult for a young child to understand the meanings of the unseen and to submit to fate, both good and bad. Define death as the end of life, but not annihilation .
Reassure him that the deceased whom he loves is well and with the angels, and that Allah the Almighty protects him with His power and mercy that exceeds the mercy of mothers for their children. Then his good deeds and the Quran also protect him . Tell him that the Messenger of Allah told us the name of this world, which is “Barzakh,” and in it, Muslims and believers gather together, surrounded by angels in a noble place where they see their homes in Paradise, and they receive our prayers and charity. It is possible to represent that world in a sensory image that a child knows, which is the world of the fetus in its mother’s womb. It is a world in which we cannot communicate with the fetus or live with it, and we do not see it with our eyes, but we know for certain of its existence and we need certain rays to communicate with it. Thus, the world of Barzakh for us is far from our senses, but the means of communication in it is prayer and charity. It is not the end, but the beginning of a second life that is broader and greater than this world, and for believers, it is more beautiful, God willing.
Third: Going through mourning: For the child to understand mourning and overcome grief in a psychologically safe way, do not hide your sadness and crying, let him cry with you, and beware of the common sayings in such a situation: “The dead suffer because of our crying.” Crying is healthy and helps in venting and speeds up the psychological recovery process from the shock. Express your feelings in clear words about what you really feel: “I am very sad… I feel pain in my chest… I will miss so-and-so… His separation is difficult for me.” Such phrases give an explanation for your tears and pain, and provide a model for the child to help him understand what he feels and use similar words. Distinguish between sadness and fear, and do not show the child your fear and panic by screaming and wailing. Keep children away from such terrifying scenes if they exist, then teach them to pray for the deceased and tell them that this is the commandment of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. Know that preventing talk about the accident and the dead and denying or hiding feelings is unhealthy and exacerbates the effects of the shock. Also, trying to protect the child from pain by hiding the truth from him does not protect him, but rather harms him; Therefore, it is necessary to express feelings, participate in the ceremonies, and answer all children's questions about death and the dead with open-mindedness and in a simple manner. Do not complain and tolerate the repetition of the same questions, and be ready to answer. To be patient and not panic, keep the deceased present by mentioning them if you see them needing it. There are stories of children who were helped by pictures and belongings of their parents to move on, and they were comfortable talking to them through their pictures. It is okay for the deceased to remain present, and do not rush to hide their belongings and pictures. Talk about how you feel on anniversaries, holidays, and special moments without the deceased. The child will be happy if you tell him, "He loved to sit here... May God have mercy on him, and this is where he stood..." Tell him that the Messenger of God taught us to remember the good qualities of our dead, remember them with goodness, and pray for them. The mourning period may extend for some children for a long time. Be present to talk and listen, and know that children learn how to grieve from observing the adults around them. If a child aged eight or older wishes to participate in mourning ceremonies or prayers at the mosque, allow them to do so. Teach them how to do so, what to say, how to accept condolences from others, how to thank people, and how to talk to them about the details of what is happening around them.
Fourth: Care: With adults busy with mourning ceremonies, the child may be neglected, find no one to listen to them or care for them, and may miss meals, have poor nutrition, or have irregular sleeping schedules. All of these factors increase the effects of trauma and exhaust the child physically and psychologically. Therefore, there must be someone to care for the child, look after them, and listen to them. It is very important that the child's daily schedule does not change and that they receive the necessary nutrition and rest. Do not ridicule the child's fantasies that he may express by saying, "I saw my grandfather or my father hugging me," as these hallucinations are beneficial and help him overcome his grief. Also, giving the child some small responsibilities that he can perform makes him feel important, and his sense of accomplishment improves his mood and raises his self-esteem. Providing tools that help him vent and express his feelings, such as paper, paints, dough, and clay, is also beneficial for the child to tell him stories of people who have lost loved ones like him. You can also use books that help him understand death. Movement is also beneficial, such as running, riding a bike, or playing with a ball, all of which help him release negative energy.
It is important to explain to the child that he had nothing to do with what happened and did not commit any mistake that led to it. Beware of phrases like “He died because you made him angry.” Say, “He passed away because his life was over.” Help the child think positively and remind him of the beautiful things he still has so that he does not focus on what he lost and instead think positively. Inform those around the child, such as his teachers and peers, that he is going through a mourning period so that they can help him and understand his different behavior. Inform the child about the changes in his situation that may occur to him and involve him in crucial decisions such as changing his place of residence, who will care for him, his school, etc. This is a major concern for the child after the death of the people who care for him.
Fifth: Seeking the help of a psychologist: We must give the child enough time to recover from the pain of loss, but there are signs that if they increase, the child must be referred to a psychologist to help him overcome the shock. If we see signs of depression, loss of appetite, involuntary urination, or a significant change in behavior that continues for months after the loss, then he needs help.
Finally , remember that each age has different ways of expressing grief. Accept the grieving child's feelings, understand their needs, and behaviors. They are deeply saddened by the loss, but may not be able to express it as we expect. Therefore, we must respect their pain and be patient with them until this stage passes peacefully. It is common for children to appear indifferent or affected by the loss. We may see them playing and laughing, but this does not mean they are not sad, they just do not know how to express their grief. There is no right way to grieve, so make your child feel safe and present the truth with words and tangible images that they understand. Be clear and honest with them and do not over-explain unnecessary details. Take care of yourself, as children learn from what they see. Be a role model for self-care during difficult times. May God protect you all and bless your lives and your children and keep sadness and sorrow away from you.