Perhaps one of the most difficult feelings a person faces is the feeling of losing a loved one. When we experience the pain of loss, we realize how harsh and severe it is for us adults, and we try hard to protect our children from it and keep them away from it as much as possible. We strive with all our might to beautify the truth and correct its course so that they see it in a way that spares them pain, fear, or anger.
But we may fall into what we fear… When we try to isolate the child and prevent him from participating, and when we are concerned with keeping him busy and distracting him from the shock, we do not realize that he is shaken from within and experiencing feelings as intense as an earthquake. When we do not let him talk about it, express what he is thinking, and ask all the questions that are going through his mind, we make him suppress those feelings, and this suppression may divert their course to produce greater neurological and psychological problems. Also, when we tell the child that his father, grandfather, or the loved one he lost has gone to God… and he is now in a more beautiful place and he is in heaven watching us… we are obscuring the truth and concealing it… and thus we may make him wish for death for himself… or hate God Almighty for taking this loved one?
So, how should we talk to the child, what should we tell him, and how can we get out of those painful feelings?
A child's reaction to grief varies according to their age. A child between the ages of two and four does not understand the true meaning of death or loss. They understand that something has happened and changed their familiar world, but they do not know exactly what it is. They also find it difficult to understand the continuity of the event and that death means an eternal absence. The pressure of this situation may manifest in several ways, including a certain behavioral regression such as bedwetting, sleep disturbances, thumb-sucking, breaking and destroying things, screaming and unjustified anger, withdrawal from play, or loss of appetite. All of these are symptoms that may appear in a child at this age. They may also refuse to sleep alone at night or go to daycare or school.
Between the ages of three and six, children know that they are egocentric, where personal thinking prevails. They develop a feeling that they are responsible for any change that happens around them. Therefore, they believe that they are the cause or that they have a hand in what happens. Loss becomes for them a kind of threat for which they expect punishment or inflict it on themselves. Also, this age is the age of questioning and searching for facts. In the case of loss, the child will ask many questions to satisfy his need for knowledge and to understand what is going on around him… How did he die? Why did it happen? And where is he now?
In situations of grief, emotions become mixed, with the most prominent feeling being the fear that the child will be left alone, or that he will leave the place he is familiar with or those he loves. The child is always eager to know the answers, so he searches for them everywhere, and often the results of his search are not accurate. He needs words to explain the situation to him and to make him aware of the truth. As for the age of eight years and above, children are more aware and conscious of the reality of death, so they consider it to be an eternal event after which there is no return. Therefore, their impact and grief are deeper, but what bothers them the most is being excluded from participating in the funeral ceremonies, as well as being prevented from knowing what happens to their loved one who died and to every human being after death.
The suffering of loss that a child experiences is very great in his eyes, and its profound impact may extend for many months. This suffering may even leave its mark on the child's personality in the future. What he receives in terms of containment and understanding in the first days determines what will happen later. Every child has his own unique way of expressing his feelings and emotions during the period of grief, as its manifestations vary between physical, psychological, behavioral, and emotional. Therefore, we must be perceptive and attentive to observe and understand how and in what way the child expresses his grief. It is possible that signs of behavioral regression may appear, as I mentioned earlier, or the child may exaggerate his demands for protection and security, or try to express longing and pain through drawing, acting, or prolonged silence. All of these are signs that indicate that the child needs someone to help and support him to get through this stage. Here we intervene and provide him with help at the appropriate time.
Here are some important steps that are recommended for dealing with a loss situation:
Firstly : Informing the child: When telling a child about a death, choose a suitable time and place where the child can express themselves without much interference or intervention. Then, choose the person who will tell them, someone close to the child, someone with whom they share a bond, someone they are used to hugging, someone who doesn't make the child feel afraid or ashamed, and someone who can understand the words the child usually uses. After that, be careful and choose your words carefully, because every word you say can have consequences. Therefore, you should prepare the child and talk to them in your usual way. Start by asking them what news they have received so far, to make sure they haven't heard anything from anyone. Tell them that you have something sad to tell them. Say clearly: "So-and-so has died." Then, pause for a while to give the child a chance to process what you said. Be honest and tell the events as they happened, using simple, easy language, without euphemisms or metaphors such as " He went to God," "He departed to his Lord," "He is in heaven," "He is in paradise, " etc. Research shows that using realistic words to describe death helps in understanding the true meaning of loss and prepares the child for the grieving process.
Provide the information you know, but avoid unnecessary details to protect your child from imaginings and fantasies that could lead them to visualize painful scenes. Give your child a chance to express their sadness. They will undoubtedly ask questions to understand how, when, and why. However, you should tailor what you tell them to their current ability to cope with the situation. Therefore, you can determine the amount of information and break it down into smaller parts, giving them a little bit of truth each time you sit together. Your child's questions will guide you in what to say. Don't be afraid to say, "I don't know the answer right now." It's helpful to tell your child that you might not know something specific at the moment, but you will research the answer and respond later. In the initial shock, focus on releasing pent-up emotions and expressing feelings of sadness. Say something like, "Your tears tell me you're sad, and I feel your pain." “I am sad like you. I loved so-and-so like you,” and hug the child, kiss him, and pat him so that he feels your affection and gives him security so that he understands that you accept and appreciate his pain. This is how you help him overcome the crisis of loss with the least harm.
Introduce the facts to the child gradually. Be careful not to say, “He went to sleep or he is now sleeping a long sleep…” There are recorded cases of children who have become afraid of sleep and believe that when they sleep they may not wake up or they will die, and this is a result we do not want, of course. Another point you must adhere to is, do not link death to illness or disability so that the child does not become afraid of illness, as we said. Explain simply what happened and show that death is the end of earthly life and the beginning of the other life .
secondly : To help the child understand death: Help the child understand the meaning of death in a simple, sensory way that he can grasp. You can remind him of the flowers he sees dead in the garden, or the birds or animals he may have passed by and seen. Tell him that every living thing in this world has a specific lifespan and time when it dies. It may help to tell the child that death is not annihilation but a transition from one world to another, and an existence in a place that we cannot see or feel with our senses and cannot be in while we are alive, but we will meet those we love when the time comes. Another important point is that death and its pain should never be associated with God Almighty or Paradise by saying “God took him” or “He went to Paradise.” The child may come to hate God and Paradise due to his ignorance and limited understanding at a young age because they are the reason he was deprived of his loved one. Be careful and present the concepts in a way that does not confuse him, as it is difficult for young children to understand metaphysical meanings and to accept fate, both good and bad. Define death as the end of life, but not annihilation .
Reassure him that the deceased he loves is well and is with the angels, and that God Almighty protects him with His power and mercy, which surpasses the mercy of mothers for their children. Also, his good deeds and his recitation of the Quran protect him . Tell him that the Messenger of God told us the name of this world, which is “Barzakh,” and in it, Muslims and believers gather together, surrounded by angels in a noble place where they see their homes in Paradise, and our prayers and charity reach them. It is possible to represent that world with a sensory image that the child knows, which is the world of the fetus in its mother’s womb. It is a world in which we cannot communicate with the fetus or live with it, and we do not see it with our eyes, but we know for certain of its existence, and we need certain rays to communicate with it. Likewise, the world of Barzakh is far from our senses, but the means of communication in it is prayer and charity. It is not an end, but rather a beginning of a second life, wider and greater than this world, which is more beautiful for the believers, God willing.
Third: Going Through Mourning: To help the child understand mourning and overcome grief in a psychologically safe way, don't hide your sadness and tears; let them cry with you. Beware of sayings commonly used in such situations, like, "The deceased suffers from our crying." Crying is healthy; it helps release emotions and speeds up the psychological healing process from the shock. Express your feelings clearly, saying things like, "I'm very sad... I feel pain in my chest... I will miss so-and-so... His passing is difficult for me." Such phrases explain your tears and pain and provide a model for the child to help them understand what they feel and use similar words. Distinguish between sadness and panic, and don't show your fear and panic to the child by screaming and wailing. Keep children away from such frightening scenes, if they occur. Then teach them to pray for the deceased and tell them that this is the advice of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. Know that preventing talk about the accident and the deceased, and denying or hiding feelings, is unhealthy and exacerbates the effects of the shock. Also, trying to protect the child from pain by hiding the truth from them does not protect them but rather harms them. Therefore, it is essential to express feelings, participate in the ceremonies, and answer all children's questions about death and the deceased patiently and simply. Do not complain, endure the repetition of the same questions, and be prepared to answer. To be patient and avoid despair, keep the deceased present by mentioning them if you see that they need it. There are stories of children who were helped to move on by the pictures and belongings of their parents, and they found comfort in talking to them through their images. It is okay for the deceased to remain present, and do not rush to hide their belongings and pictures. Talk about your feelings on anniversaries, holidays, and special moments without the deceased. The child will be happy if you tell them, "He liked to sit here... May God have mercy on him, and this is where he used to stand..." Tell them that the Prophet taught us to mention the good qualities of our deceased, to remember them fondly, and to pray for them. The mourning period for some children may be long, so be present to talk and listen. Know that children learn how to grieve by observing the adults around them. If a child aged eight or older wishes to participate in a funeral ceremony or prayer for the deceased in the mosque, allow him to do so, and teach him the method, what should be said, how to accept condolences from others, how to thank people, and how to talk to them about the details of what is going on around them.
Fourth: Care: With adults preoccupied with mourning rituals, the child may be neglected, finding no one to listen to or care for him. He may miss meals, suffer from poor nutrition, or experience changes in his sleep schedule. All these factors increase the effects of the shock and exhaust the child physically and psychologically. Therefore, it is essential to have someone who cares for, looks after, and listens to the child. It is very important that the child's daily routine does not change and that he receives the necessary nutrition and rest. Do not ridicule the child's fantasies, such as saying, "I saw my grandfather or father hugging me." These hallucinations are beneficial and help him overcome his grief. Giving the child some small responsibilities that he can do makes him feel important, and his sense of accomplishment improves his mood and raises his self-esteem. Providing him with tools that help him release and express his feelings, such as paper, colors, playdough, or modeling clay, is also helpful. It is also beneficial to tell the child stories of people who have lost loved ones like him. You can use books that help in understanding death. Movement is also beneficial, such as running, riding a bicycle, or playing ball, all of which help him release negative energy.
It is essential to explain to the child that he had no part in what happened and did not do anything wrong to cause it. Avoid phrases like "He died because you made him angry." Instead, say, "He passed away because his time had come." Help the child to think positively and remind him of the good things he still has so that he doesn't focus on what he has lost and can think positively. Inform those around the child, such as his teachers and peers, that he is going through a period of mourning so that they can help him and understand his different behavior. Tell the child about any changes in his situation that may occur and involve him in crucial decisions such as changing his place of residence, who will care for him, his school, etc. This is a major concern for the child after the death of his caregivers.
Fifth: Seeking help from a psychologist: We must give the child enough time to recover from the pain of loss, but there are indicators that, if they increase, the child must be seen by a psychologist to help him overcome the trauma. If we see signs of depression, loss of appetite, bedwetting, or a significant change in behavior that continues for months after the loss incident, then he needs help.
Finally , remember that grief manifests differently at different ages. Accept the feelings of a grieving child, understand their needs and behaviors. They are experiencing the pain of loss intensely, but may not be able to express it in the way we expect. Therefore, we must respect their pain and be patient with them until this phase passes peacefully. It is common for children to appear indifferent or unaffected by loss; we may see them playing and laughing. However, this does not mean they are not sad, but rather that they do not know how to express their grief. There is no single right way to grieve, so make the child feel safe and present the truth to them using words and sensory images they can understand. Be clear and honest with them, and do not over-explain details they don't need. Take care of yourself, as children learn from what they see. Be a role model for self-care during difficult times. May God protect you all, bless your lives and your children, and keep sadness and sorrow far from you.